Abnormal.

I haven’t blogged since December 5th. I haven’t had the time. I haven’t had the energy. I’ve been … stressed … to say the least. I’ve been a whirlwind of emotions that just don’t seem to stop.

One word stopped me in my tracks and sent my brain into overdrive.

Abnormal.

First, I just want to put it out there that I have had many, many wonderful doctors. This lady is not one of them. Remember the woman I told you wanted to test me for Sickle Cell? Yeah, her.

I went into her office to pick up a copy of my blood work and ultrasound results. Just what I expected. Poly-cystic ovaries, hormones all over the place and a referral to an RE. I’ve already gone through all of this. Moving back to Michigan meant I had to get a new doctor and she insisted we start from square one. Gee, thanks. You’re not telling me anything I don’t already know!!

But then she did.

“We also need to get you scheduled for a cervical biopsy. Your Pap-smear results have come back abnormal and we need to check for pre-cancerous or cancerous cells.”

I’m sorry, what? What the hell did you just say???

After that, I was like a zombie. I made the appointment and could hear words coming out of their mouths, but I couldn’t tell you what they said. You know those parts in movies where people get bad news and all you hear is the characters ears ringing? That was me. Just ringing.

I walked outside with E and once again, I had a hysterical fit in my car.

“This is wrong!! She made a mistake! She wanted to test me for Sickle Cell! She doesn’t know what she’s doing!!”

E, once again being the voice of reason in our marriage, tried his best to calm me down. Too late this time. I was already texting my parents telling them I was terrified and I can’t have cancer.

It wasn’t the until two days later, I forced myself to sit down and educate myself on cervical abnormalities. I have what is called a Low Grade Squamous Intra-epithelial Lesion – or LSIL for short. I looked up everything I could on it. I spent hours playing Doctor Google finding anything I could to calm my nerves.

“61 percent of these low-grade lesions simply disappear on their own within a year after diagnosis, with that rate rising to 91 percent by three years post-diagnosis.”

I can breathe again. That makes me feel a tiny bit better. No one told me – not even my doctor – that there’s a REALLY good chance these problems go away naturally!! How dare that woman not tell me that!? Is it her goal in life to scare the living hell out of me with no explanation?? At this point, I’m just pissed. I start screaming to E about how terrible this woman is. How I refuse to get a biopsy done and she’s probably not even a real doctor. (I’ve always been one for the theatrics.)

Poor E. I mean seriously, I don’t know how that man puts up with me. One minute I’m bawling my eyes out telling him I probably have cancer all over my cervix and they’re going to have to remove it and we will never have kids. The next, I’m screaming about my doctor and yelling that according to Google there’s no reason I should be worrying. The man deserves a vacation for dealing with my emotions on a daily basis.

It’s been almost a week now. I’ve tried my best to stay calm and not stress myself out any more than I already have. Having severe anxiety, telling myself not to worry is almost impossible though. I try my best not to think about, but somehow, it pops into my head everyday.

I’m keeping my appointment for the biopsy. I go in the 17th. And while I may hate this doctor, I realize this is something that needs to be done. I’m worried. I’m scared. I’m internally freaking out. Externally, I promise you wouldn’t be able to tell.

I will keep updating as I know more information. I realize that there is a good chance it’s nothing. That it will go away on it’s own. But there is still worry. I’m still scared. And during this time, all I ask is for emotional support. If I call you my friend, please understand that I may call you in tears out of fear or I may ignore a call because I simply don’t want to talk. This is an emotional roller-coaster. I’ve always been a little quirky – but never abnormal.

-j