To E.

I realize it’s been about a month and a half since I’ve made an entry. Life is busy. Life is challenging. It hasn’t been a good month for me emotionally. I’ve been telling myself over & over again in repetition “Stop stressing about it.”, but it turns out that’s impossible. The more I tell myself not to stress, the more I do. The more I stress, the less I want to open up about it. The less I open up about it, the more I stress. Life is twisted.

My husband is not one to wear his heart on his sleeve. Infertility hasn’t changed that. He hasn’t been visibly emotional or broken down the way I have. I, on the other hand, am an emotional creature and he has been my rock. The rational side of my brain and the stable part of my heart. He’s held me while I have sobbed uncontrollably. When I’ve thought I couldn’t take another step forward, he’s been there to carry me until I was able to stand on my own again. He’s listened to me babble and whine when I see pregnancy announcements and has let me plan – in depth – a nursery I’m not sure will ever exist.

And I don’t give him enough credit for it. So, E, this is for you.

Do you know, truly know, how unbelievably incredible you are? I can’t imagine it’s a picnic being married to me – someone who at times feels broken. Someone who sometimes takes her anguish out on you. But here you are, holding my hand and standing behind me, every step of the way. You’re strong E. While I go to appointments and listen to doctors, you are in the background doing whatever you can to make our future better – always keeping in mind that one day, there will be a child to provide for & never giving up that hope. I marvel at that kind of strength and wish I was able to be so resilient. You are an amazing person to your core.

There is no one else on this earth that I could or would want to travel this journey with. It’s because of you I have hope. It’s hearing you say “Everything is going to be okay” that keeps me going. You never let me give up. I am a better person because of you.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I have to question whether or not I’m loved. I don’t wonder if I’m beautiful or not. I don’t feel the need to compare myself to other girls or models on magazine covers. Because of you, I know that even in my sweat pants – the ones with a grease stain from my gyro – and a pore strip on my nose, I’m beautiful. I’m no longer insecure and I owe that to you.

I don’t tell you enough how much I truly love and appreciate you. What did I do to deserve you? I married a man who loves my flesh and bones. Whose eyes know every one of my freckles and out of place hairs. A man who doesn’t mind my morning breath and holds my hair back after one too many mojitos. A man who loves me for all that I am and despite all that I am. What we have is sometimes messy, sometimes difficult, sometimes complicated, not always magical, but always, always real. And I feel like the luckiest woman in the world.

I love you, E.

– j