You’re Kind Of A Dick.

Well, I did it. I broke down. I cried. I screamed. I yelled. I cried some more. I mean ugly cried. I gave myself a pounding headache while I gasped for air because I was sobbing so hard. I. Lost. It.

Another pregnancy announcement. And not just any pregnancy announcement. This one hurt. This one killed.

When I was 13, I met the girl I would call my best friend for 14 years. You know who I’m talking about – the one in a previous post who was always ahead of me. The one who brought me down and made me feel like shit by making subtle comments about how well she was doing in life. She’s got two children. And you’d think that even though we no longer speak, deep down I would be thrilled for her to announce she’s got another on the way. Well I’m not. I’m pissed. I’m hurt. I’m angry. Not because she’s pregnant. I’m pissed at how it the announcement was handled.

Her and I have stopped talking before. It usually lasts a couple of months and then we’re right back on track. During those months, the both of us still look at each others social media pages. It’s what you do when you’ve been friends with someone for so long. This time is no different. (Okay, it’s different because our friendship is truly over. There will be no reconciliation or grand reunion. It’s over.) Knowing the other one would be looking at our social media, we quickly made our posts private. I didn’t want her knowing what was going on in my life & she felt the same way. No posts could be seen by the other one. Until tonight.

She announced her 3rd pregnancy – publicly. The only post I had permission to see was that one. As if that didn’t make me feel shitty enough, I know she made it a point with her other children to wait until after her first trimester to announce. She’s only a couple weeks! The announcement was meant for me to be seen.

“Oh, J, you’re overreacting. She probably didn’t do it on purpose.”

Believe me when I say, yes, she did. I took my frustrations to Twitter. Within minutes, I got called out for being jealous. For being a bad person & needing mental help because I wasn’t overjoyed at the fact she’s got everything I’ve ever wanted. She posted what she posted & waited for my response. She was rubbing it in. She was waiting for me to breakdown. Bitch.

Listen, I’m not angry she’s pregnant. I honestly pretty neutral about it. I don’t care. I care about how heartless she acted in her announcement. I’m not naive enough to think I wouldn’t have found out at some point – but to wait for my reaction and tell me I’m a bad person for not being happy – well that’s just cruel.

After my breakdown, I thought about things and came to a few realizations.

1. It’s okay to feel the way I do. E and I have been trying for quite a long time with no success & it’s not unnatural to be upset when we see yet another pregnancy announcement.
2. What she did says everything about her and nothing about me. I am not a bad person in general let alone for having feelings and emotions. I’m human.
3. I know now exactly how not to handle it when we are able to make a pregnancy announcement. I have friends that are struggling. In fact, I’ve made a lot of friends because of how I open I am about our struggle. And the first thing I’m going to think about when we are able to announce is how to give them the news with a little bit of class.

I realize this entry may get some backlash and I will understand where you’re coming from if it does. However, understand that unless you truly know the pain that comes along with infertility, you don’t know how hard it was (is) to see what E and I saw today – especially the aftermath of my Twitter vent.

Tonight, I’m going to bed feeling better than I did earlier. Our day will come. Eventually, we will be able to make our announcement. And I promise, when we do, we’ll have a little more heart than what we saw tonight.

-j