God & Infertility

**If you are easily offended by (sac)religious writing or have a hard time reading about a woman’s personal struggle to maintain her faith in the face of infertility, then I suggest you read no further.**

Dear God,

Rumor has it that you love all of your children unconditionally. I sure do hope that holds true because I’m about to lose it.

Where is this love, God? I don’t feel it. In fact, most of the time, I want to shout up there to make sure you remember I exist. Was I chosen for some test of emotional endurance? Am I supposed to live by “God will never give us a cross we cannot carry.”? Because quite honestly, it’s getting too heavy & I can’t do it.

And what about E? You know, the man you created just for me. The only person on this earth who knows exactly how to handle my fragile emotions . What about his longing to be a father? It’s not his fault I have a stupid disease. Why does he have to suffer? My battered heart breaks every time I have to tell him it’s another negative test.

“J, God has a plan for you.”

You mind telling me what the hell it is? Because quite frankly, I’m sick of trying to figure it out on my own. I’m sick of forcing myself to believe there is some grand purpose to all of the shitty emotions I’m feeling. Am I not praying right? Is that the problem? Are my prayers not sincere enough? Or am I supposed to feel this way as part of your “Master Plan”?

And hey! Other people are praying too! What about them? Someone you placed in my life and is very near and dear to my heart prays for me all the time. As a very devout, God fearing Christian, are her prayers being heard? All of the people in my corner praying for me … why not give them an answer to pass along to me since it’s obvious you’re not speaking to me.

I’ve had about as much of this as I can take.  I feel empty, sad, lonely. You, God, put a desire in my heart to be a mother. It’s the one thing in this life I would do anything for. I’ve been through every emotion that comes along with it & I’m over it. In fact, I was over it a long time ago.  I’m raising my flag, God. I need some type of acknowledgement that you’re even listening to me. Clue me in as to what your plan is because I’m telling you, I can’t take much more.

My biggest issue is I don’t understand the need for all of the suffering you’re making not just me, but thousands of women go through. We are good people who would love & nurture a child. I’d even raise mine to believe you are out there listening even when it seems like you’re not. How can you place the desire in a woman’s heart to be a mother and not let her have it? Or even worse, watch her jump in excitement when the test shows 2 pink lines and then take it away from her weeks later. Not cool, God. If that isn’t cruel and unusual punishment, I don’t know what is.

And, if this is some kind of life lesson or consequence for the way I have lived in the past, I get it! Don’t be a shit. Lesson learned!!

Am I supposed to stop trying?  “They” say that it “always” happens once you stop trying.  Besides the fact that you and I both know that’s a bunch of bull, are you seriously just waiting for me to stop trying?  Come on!  You of all, um… beings, should know that is a futile cause. Telling me to stop thinking about having a baby is like telling me not to breathe.  It happens naturally. Sure, I can hold my breath for a little while, but eventually I give up and gasp for air or have a breakdown, pass out and breathe again anyway. Not to mention, if I just stop trying & end up childless on my deathbed … oh man … you think I’m angry now? Ha!

I am fully aware that this is a shameful display of faith. However, you are supposed to know me better than I know myself. You know that since I was a little girl, I wanted to grow up, get married and have a house full of babies. So what’s the deal?? Some kind of answer would be much appreciated.

I’ve heard all the stories of ways you’ve blessed the infertile with children. I’ve heard of the medical miracles and the women who never thought it would happen. When is it going to be my turn to tell that story, God? I have choked back tears and a little bit of vomit when I’ve been told these stories & I cannot take one more “Give it to God”.

I’m just trying to be honest with you. You already know what’s on my heart, so why not come out with it?

If you wanted my attention, you’ve got it. I’m listening. I’m here. I’m willing. So let me know what I’m supposed to do – because it’s clear I have no clue.

Also, please forgive my anger show some mercy. After all, I’m only human.

-j