“I want to say to you, don’t give up. There is hope. I will continue to pray for you guys, as I already have been. You will make a great mother one day. Hopefully I will be seeing you post a positive pregnancy test soon. You deserve to be a mother.”
You’d think something so touching would come from a close friend or family member … you’d think. Buckle up my friends, this is going to be an emotional one. (And probably lengthy.)
I woke up this morning excited. Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays – Christmas being my favorite because .. duh. The parade was on TV, food was in the oven, all of my siblings were under one roof. I was happy. I was content.
6 years ago, I was not so happy. I was in a bad place in my life. A very dark, selfish place. I cared about me & me only. I didn’t care what I did, what I said or who I hurt. 6 years ago, I was not a decent person. I needed to grow. I needed to mature.
During that time, I hurt someone. Badly. I did things I wouldn’t dream of doing today. I made an enemy. And, because I was selfish, I thought everything I did was okay. I hurt her, I hurt her family and I didn’t care. I was right, she was wrong & there was no changing my mind. This woman, M, went through more shit – because of me – than any person should have to.
Over the course of the next 6 years, we hated each other so intensely, we both went out of our way to try and continuously hurt the other one. We both said things that should never escape the lips of any human being. We manipulated each others situations and made each others lives hell.
In the meantime, I met E. To this day, I tell him he saved me. He pulled me out of the dark place I was in & showed me what it was to love deeply. My heart softened. I had changed. I began to see the good in every person I met. I promoted forgiveness, sincerity & strong relationships. But I couldn’t bring myself to stop watching what M said about me. I couldn’t stop saying things about her. I wanted to fuel her fire. I wanted to argue. And I honestly have no idea why. The 6 years of animosity between us was 100% my fault. I wanted people to know I had changed, but continued to treat her badly in private. And then I heard something that changed my entire perspective.
“You can’t live with hate in your heart. It’ll eat you up inside. You gotta find some peace in life. If you don’t let that darkness go, it wont let go of you. Let it go.”
The first paragraph of this entry is just part of what was sent to me today. My email notification went off & I read what M had to say. It didn’t take long before tears began streaming down my face. We both have said some of the most terrible things imaginable to each other & somehow, some way, we both have apologized. We both have forgiven.
Part of trying to conceive means you have to live under as little stress as possible. The past 6 years, I’ve had a lot of hatred and animosity in my heart causing my mind emotional stress. To forgive & be forgiven takes the weight of the world off of my shoulders. A woman I thought I hated has given me hope. She’s shared her story with me & told me I’ve inspired her – even through our hostility – to open up about her struggles as well. Today, she has two beautiful children despite believing at one point she never would. It’s possible. Even when it seems like it’s not.
We know that we will never be best friends. We know even after forgiveness, a lot of damage was done. But we also know the past is best left in the past. We both have grown. We both have matured. We’ve learned life lessons. A woman who I vowed to never have anything to do with has opened her heart and told me if I ever need someone to talk or vent to, she’s there. We know that what we’ve done and said can’t be taken back, but there is an opportunity to start anew.
Today, I am thankful for forgiveness. I am thankful for being able to move forward. I am thankful for life lessons that I will never forget. This Thanksgiving, I have started a new chapter of my life. And who knows – maybe, by next Thanksgiving, I will be able to share that positive pregnancy test she mentioned with her.
So, I guess my point to this whole entry is this: If you have someone in your life you need to mend things with, do it. Holidays can be one of the toughest times of the year for a lot of people as it is. I promise you, letting go of the darkness & finding peace will make your life much happier. Give yourself the gift of forgiveness this season. If M can do it, if I can do it – so can you.
M, you are a beautiful woman inside and out. There isn’t much I can say that we haven’t discussed already, but I want you to know that your ability to forgive is astounding. It speaks volumes of what kind of woman you are & your children are extremely blessed to have such a good example. I don’t know what will happen between you & I, but knowing you’re willing to try and build something new … there are no words.
I’ll be in touch,
-j
Mrs. None In The Oven 