Oh, Come On!

I am writing this entry through cramps in a massive battle with AF. I almost cried over a Swiffer commercial and folding laundry turned into an argument with E because he doesn’t button his jeans before he folds them. Bear with me.

I’m almost positive that every woman on this earth has another woman they just can’t beat. Not physically, you sadist. I mean at life. No matter what you do or how hard you try, she always comes out on top?

I have had one of those. It’s annoying isn’t it?

This entry will probably come off as terribly catty, but I can’t be the only one that has these feelings, so I’m going to go ahead and validate them for you now.

My “woman” was my best friend. I know, it’s terrible.

:face palm of dishonor:

Since the age of 13, I have always been a little bit jealous of her. Don’t get me wrong. She was my best friend. We did everything together. But I was always a teeny, tiny, smidgen jealous. She never felt that way, because in her sweet little heart there was no competition between us.

That’s because she was the one winning.

Let me explain before you think I’m the biggest asshole on the planet. Our friendship has unfortunately ended, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t have love for her. I am very happy for her and the things she has accomplished in her life. I still wish her the best and sincerely hope she gets everything she wants and more.

That doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to feel the way I do. She dated before me. She got married before me. She had a habit of subtly mentioning how much money her husband makes. She was always the heavier one & in just a few months, she lost over 25 pounds and suddenly looked better than me. Meanwhile the numbers on my scale kept increasing no matter what I did. Thanks PCOS. Both her & her husband were diagnosed infertile and she has had not one, but two babies before me. At some point, even Mother Theresa would have resembled Jim Carey in Liar Liar.

I remember when she told me she was pregnant with her second. I ran to the bathroom and sobbed. I yelled like and screamed as if I had just found out she’d been murdered.  I have never felt such sadness.  Such jealousy.  Such Anger.  Even hatred. In that moment, I hated her.  Hated her for always getting the things I wanted.

I turned to a Facebook support page for women with my condition. I poured my heart out about how while I was happy for her, I was jealous. It sucked so badly! E and I had already been trying for a year and there she was, winning the lottery for the second time while I begged for change in my box down by the river. Surely, the women in my support group would understand. And they did. They all gave me encouraging words & helped me get through it. All but one.

Her.

Who knew she was apart of that page!? Not me! There’s over 5,000 women on there and she never told me she was one of them. At least until she read my post & immediately sent me a screenshot of it telling me how much I had hurt her!!

“Why can’t you just be happy for me!?”

I was! I was so happy for her! But I was also really upset! What reasonable person couldn’t understand where I was coming from!?

At least she respects the infertility struggle. Although I find it hard to believe she knows exactly what we are going through, she apparently had a hard time getting pregnant as well. I’ll give credit where it is due and she has been supportive of me when I need to vent. (Unless you count the time I sent her a FB message because I was so upset about not being pregnant and she responded with a picture of her daughter. Thanks for that one.)

I’m an asshole, I know.  This girl is a complete doll. She is one of the nicest people I know & our friendship has ended over things that are out of my control. It was bound to happen. People who have kids don’t spend their time with people who don’t have kids. While I want to go out for wine & dinner, she has diapers to change and baths to give. I love talking about my job, she loves talking about her kids – not a subject the infertile want to hear about 24/7. Growing apart was inevitable.

One of my biggest fears on this infertility journey is that I will never be able to let go of the jealousy. Every time I see another pregnancy announcement, I cringe. I see the birth announcements and the 1st Birthday pictures and I get so angry. As if it’s their fault their ovaries actually work. I need to get a grip. Any suggestions on how to deal with these feelings are greatly appreciated. It’s not fair to anyone to be angry over something that we can’t control, but, it’s happening.

In the meantime, Meijer has wine on sale. At least there’s that.