You Can’t Put Dogs In Timeout.

 You see this? You see that face? That, ladies and gentleman, is my furbaby – Presley. My usually very happy, playful and energetic pup is in trouble and a lot of it.

When we first adopted Presley, I understood within a week why people say to get a puppy before you have a baby. This furball was a monster. A four legged terrorist. We dealt with knocked over trash cans, chewed up shoes, plates of food pulled off the counter – he even stared me in the face while he lifted his leg and peed on my coffee table. Peed! On my coffee table! While staring me in my eyeballs!! Shit head.

We tried crate training. We tried pepper around the garbage can. We tried spraying vinegar on the heels of my dress shoes. We took him outside literally every 15 minutes until he understood my furniture was not his bathroom.

It’s been 2 years since we (okay … I) brought Presley home. It’s been about a year and a half since he’s done anything really bad. Until tonight.

After coming home from grocery shopping, I was excited to open a can of wet food – any dogs favorite – and slop it into his food bowl. He doesn’t get wet food very often, so when he does, it’s an event. Presley sat patiently and watched me open the can; his tail moving faster and faster by the second. By the time I was scraping the rest of the can into the bowl, he was jumping up on his hind legs in excitement. I told him to follow me to the other room where he could scarf it down.

I walked in, bowl of slop in hands, and saw it. 2 Domino’s boxes chewed to shreds & last nights pizza nowhere to be found. I looked at the boxes and then at him.

“Presley! What did you do!?”

His head dropped in shame. I let out an exhausted sigh and walked to the fridge where I put the bowl of wet food on the bottom shelf and closed the door. When I tell you he looked sad, I mean if you listened hard enough, you could almost hear Sarah McLachlan music playing.

“Presley, mommy is very upset with you. I was going to give you the wet food but you can’t act that way. You may not have that bowl until tomorrow.”

I had done it. I’d become that crazy pet mom. I was talking to my Cocker Spaniel as if he were a 4 year old child. I heard what I was saying and shook my head at myself knowing he didn’t understand a word of it. All he knew was he wasn’t getting that can of Alpo.

I pictured him sitting in timeout, facing the corner in a chair made just for him, thinking about what he had done. I pictured having a toddler and putting him in time out. I laughed thinking about Presley “showing the toddler the ropes”.

“Listen kid, don’t chew on her shoes & don’t, I mean don’t, pee on her coffee table. She’ll make you do it outside – even if it’s raining!”

I laughed out loud at that one.

It might sound like the weirdest thing you’ve ever heard, but I can’t wait to have a toddler to put in time out. I’d have to imagine that even Crayola all over my walls & G.I. Joe flushed down the toilet would be worth it. Worth every tear, every blood draw, every pill, every exam – everything. I can’t wait to have a snotty pre-teen who thinks I don’t notice when she takes my makeup. I can’t wait to have a 16 year old who won’t speak to me for 3 days for not letting them go to the party “everyone is going to”.

Explaining to Presley why chewing the boxes apart and eating half a pizza was wrong, I realized – I want a family. I mean, I’ve known for 2 years I want a baby, but “disciplinary mom” came out and I realized I want it all. I can’t wait for it.

If anyone is wondering, my discipline skills may need some work. My strict punishment lasted all of 15 minutes and Presley enjoyed every bite.